in this twilight
by ButterflyRogue
Summary: when you love someone, let them go. if they come back, they're yours. if they don't, they never were... a series of moments in Rumplestiltskin's life as he mourns the loss of the only person who had learned to love him.
1. i will let you down i will make you hurt

**A/N** - Just something to pass the time before season 2 starts. And for me to finally move away from Harry Potter fanfiction. I hope you enjoy and R&R if you please :)_  
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_- "It's quite simple, really. My power... means more to me... than you." _**[1x12 Skin Deep]**

Word count: 501

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The first few days were the hardest. He had trouble getting used to empty hallways again. There was no tea waiting for him on the table when he came down in the morning, the kitchen was cold and rid of delicious scents usually wafting from the stove, the air had gotten heavy again with no one to air the rooms every day. He blamed himself for adjusting too much to the subtle changes she had made in the castle. He despised the almost homely feel it now had, as bleak and dreary it already was without her delightful presence, and yet, after the initial destructive rampage, he couldn't bring himself to change anything. He convinced himself it was because he didn't care. The truth was, he missed her too much.

There was a difference between being alone and being lonely. One could be in a middle of a crowd and still be lonely and such was his usual custom – keeping everything as distant and non-personal as possible. He couldn't even remember why he had claimed her as the price for his services in the first place! Was it the way in which she held herself? The expression of annoyance and mild disgust as that fiancé of hers treated her as an incompetent child? He _might_ have been intrigued by her. A thought _might_ have crossed his mind that she _might_ be a sensible, intelligent person he _might_ have a decent conversation with.

And then, before he even had the chance to figure out what was happening, she had nestled herself so comfortably in his life. Almost unwillingly he had let her in, let his loneliness disperse as if it never even existed until suddenly, abruptly as a candle being blown out, she was gone and he was left all alone in the dark once again, crawling on all fours and trying to piece back together the broken pieces of himself. She had destroyed and revived him at the same time and left him yearning for more, even if it meant more heartbreak and more pain. Funny, until now, he wasn't quite sure if he even had a heart anymore…

Yes, he did miss her. He couldn't deny it. And he hated it. He hated that devious little part of himself that would have made him betray the only thing that ever mattered to him in a heartbeat. He took a vow, he pledged he would find Bae again, by using all of his power, all means possible. And he had almost thrown it away for what? A girl with a pretty smile and too meddling for her own good?

Yes, letting her go was definitely the right thing to do, if he ever did one. Not only that he didn't really need her, she was starting to become a threat to him as well. It was an act of simple self-preservation. He would never admit it was, in fact, selfless nobility. She was the one who was better off without him.

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_I wear this crown of thorns upon my liar's chair_

_full of broken thoughts I cannot repair_

_beneath the stains of time the feelings disappear_

_you are someone else, I am still right here_

**Johnny Cash – Hurt [Nine Inch Nails Cover]**


	2. how many sorrows do you try to hide?

**A/N** - I wrote the first drabble some 20 minutes before going to my friend's bachelorette party. I finished this one from a few scraps I had written down while still hungover from the yesterday's wedding. I'm not completely satisfied with either of them, they're rushed and underdeveloped, but I had to publish them if I want to finish this series before September the 30th. There are to be five drabbles in the series, the final three are already written and, in my opinion, much better than these first two. So, hopefully, you'll stick around to read them... :)_  
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_- "I think you were lonely. I mean, any man would be lonely." _**[1x12 Skin Deep]**

Word count: 408

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If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was in the first place. It was an old, peculiar saying he had heard somewhere. Though whether it was in this life, a past one or the next, he couldn't quite tell. During more desperate hours, he often wondered if anyone ever came back the second time.

Not that he _needed_ her. Not _really_. But she was right in one thing. He was lonely. Awfully, frighteningly _lonely_. And as if there were several stages of loneliness, he felt more alone now than before she came into his life. But he didn't want to go there. Whenever he thought about that, he would come dangerously close to comparing this feeling to that horrible period right after he had lost Bae and, to be completely honest, he was terrified of the conclusion such comparison might bring. Luckily, Rumplestiltskin was not an honest man and he knew just what lines in his mind he should never, ever cross in order to keep it that way. His love for his son was the only one he had professed openly and he fully intended for it to stay so. He was the reason he became the Dark One, and he shall be the only one to take those powers away from him, any way he chooses.

If he thought about her too much, he would just have another fit of anger because he still hadn't been able to stifle that part of himself that would have kissed her again, held her close and thanked the heavens for her. He knew how to recognize a desperate soul and he had sworn long ago he would never become one again. Still, he couldn't keep her out of his mind. He would have thought he'd hear something about her. Whether she came back to her father's kingdom. He expected he'd know by now. He usually knew everything, was always at least a few steps ahead of everything that was happening in the land, it was a part of his trade after all. It was just that her particular way was where he avoided looking.

After all, if any trouble should arise, she need only call. Not even call. Merely say his name. Whisper even. He would hear it. And he would come. She knows that. Just his name. All she needs to do is call.

She never does.

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_there must be a bitter breeze to make you sting so viciously_

_they say the greatest coward can hurt the most ferociously_

_I'll show you something good, oh I'll show you something good_

_if you open your heart you can make a new start when your crumbling world falls apart_

**Eurythmics – Miracle of Love**


	3. and his love will conquer all

_- "It was a brief flicker of light admist an ocean of darkness." _**[1x22 A Land Without Magic]**

Word count: 361

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He had tried to destroy that blasted cup countless times. He would prepare to hurl it across the room and halt his movement at the last second. Or grip the delicate porcelain mercilessly until tiny cracks bloomed around the damaged rim. In the end he would always shove it in the back of the cupboard again, just to keep it out of his sight. Though it was always there, standing out, practically poking him in the eye. It disgusted him, really. This pathetic, overly sentimental memento, a ridiculous keepsake full of what-ifs and might-have-beens.

It was foolish of him to ever even consider the possibility that it may have lasted. Creatures of dark were supposed to stay buried in their damp, moldy crypts, surrounded by stench of rot and decay, burning in agony at the first touches of sun. The warmth was just a cruel illusion anyway, meant to lull the damned ones in a false sense of security before reducing them to cinders. She was a whiff of fresh air meant to suffocate him. A poison in disguise, a cunning snake hidden behind bright eyes and bubbly laughter, poised to strike, sink its teeth in his neck and infect him with love and tenderness, leaving welts red and angry like from the worst sunburn. So he nailed back the curtains of his soul and withdrew to heal, yet longing more and more each day for another painful glimpse of her blinding light.

But even the Sun itself dies a violent, bloody death at the end of each day, losing its eternal battle with the night. What chance would one little sunbeam have, after being trapped in the shadows for so long. Its shine dimmed, damaged, destroyed, caught somewhere in the twilight, unable to exist in either world anymore. What choice was there for her other than to fade out entirely, like a delicate flame extinguished by a nightly chill.

Today he touched the chipped rim of the teacup gently, lovingly, brushing the invisible specs of dust that never dared to touch it on its pedestal. It was a monument now, a reminder that the darkness always prevails in the end.

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_as reason clouds my eyes, with splendor fading_

_illusions of the sunlight_

_and a reflection of a lie will keep me waiting_

_with love gone, for so long_

**Trading Yesterday - Shattered**


	4. tell me we both matter, don't we?

_- "She's gone. She's gone forever. She's not coming back. And it's your fault! Not mine!" _**[1x12 Skin Deep]**

Word count: 401

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There was something wrenching his insides, a nagging, nervous feeling he hadn't felt in a very long time. An annoying disturbance in his usually exaggerated manners, like a mouse nibbling at his guts. He wanted to strangle that mouse. Wring its little neck and feel its bones shatter under his grip until there was nothing left of that scrawny peasant from long ago. He desperately wanted to erase from his mind the image of that walking tragedy, with his bad leg and prematurely aged face and constant fear in his eyes, because such pathetic excuses for a person deserved to be squashed like insects. He just wished someone had had enough mercy to squash him while he was that man.

She had named him a coward before she left. While everyone else trembled at the mere thought of him, she looked him straight in the eye and gave him the worst scolding he could remember. That was the moment he realized she truly did love him. _Coward_. The word that usually echoed through his brain in Bae's disappointed voice suddenly got a whole new pitch. And just as he couldn't reach and hold tight enough to his son's hand, he couldn't be honest with her either. Because courage isn't measured by might. An innocent boy willing to forsake gold and power just to have his papa back and a young woman, beautiful inside and out, capable of loving a beast, they were the truly brave. It is the powerful ones who are always the biggest cowards.

After some careful consideration, he had come to a conclusion that there were ever only two people in his life that truly cared about him. Furthermore, they were also the only two people he had ever truly loved, even when he counted the years before he became The Dark One, when one could even consider him a good person. And they were both gone, both taken from him in the cruelest of ways.

But it took him many years, half a lifetime really, in this new world to finally see the whole truth. As three of Moe French's ribs finally cracked under the golden-enameled handle of his cane, he suddenly realized that this treacherous little mouse gnawing persistently at something inside of him was called Guilt. And it was there because, deep down, he had always known he was the one to blame for everything.

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_and if I only could  
make a deal with god  
get him to swap our places_

**Placebo – Running Up That Hill [Kate Bush Cover]**


	5. i'm always in this twilight

**A/N** - This is all from me for now, dearies... Enjoy the new episode tomorrow! All reviews are greatly appreciated._  
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_- "Promise me you won't give in to your hate!"_** [Season 2 Promo]**

Word count: 510

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Purple fumes swirled and billowed around him and Rumpelstiltskin finally felt alive again. He never noticed when Belle's hand slipped quietly out of his own.

The entire walk from his shop to the well, he had been looking over his shoulder, checking every few seconds that she was indeed here – real, living, breathing. He would place his hand lightly on her back to steer her on the right path, tentatively reach for her wrist to guide her across the uneven forest floor, her pulse beating against his fingertips in reassurance and every cell in his body trembling with relief and something breezy and gentle he could not quite describe. But as the magic surged through his veins, it gave way to other emotions as well, those he kept in check so far, for her sake. Blind rage flooded him, followed by an unquenchable thirst for revenge. His fingers itched to wrap themselves around Regina's neck and his mind already reeled in pleasure of counting the colors her pretty face would take before she suffocated to death.

He was mildly surprised to suddenly find Belle a few steps behind, her back towards him. She turned before he had the chance to call her name. He could read the accusation in her eyes.

"Don't," she stopped his unspoken explanation. Her voice was hoarse from lack of using, echoing disappointment. "You were very clear about what meant the most to you. It's my fault I didn't believe you."

It was good she turned away again, because he didn't think he would have been able to mask just how hard her words have hit him.

"I never finished telling you about my son," he rasped in response, a little louder than intended. "I didn't just lose him. I drove him away. He found a way to turn me back to the ordinary man I was before, but when the time came, I was too afraid to follow and too weak to hold on to him. He went to a world without magic. This world. I took a vow then, to dedicate my whole life, all my power to bringing me here and finding him again."

"Don't you think your son chose a world without magic for a reason?" she finally spoke after what felt like forever.

He didn't know how to respond to that.

"I understand though," she sighed eventually. "It must be horrible to lose a child. I can't judge you for using all means possible to find him. But please, promise me you won't give in to your hate. That's all I'm asking," she had turned pleading eyes to him, hands reaching out as if to assure she indeed will stand by him every step of the way but only _if_-

"I can't," he whispered and something old and rusty in his chest cracked a little as her face fell. "I can't afford to break another deal… But I _can_ promise that I will try."

And he would have promised her everything and more just to see her smile like that again.

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_I took the stars from my eyes and then I made a map_

_and I knew that somehow I could find my way back_

_then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too_

_so I stayed in the darkness with you_

**Florence + The Machine – Cosmic Love**


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